Essay written as an inquiry into my own patterns of emotional experiencing, written for the MIECAT institue, March 2021.

For this inquiry I am identifying a familiar emotion. I am focussing on one that is associated with my son, someone I care deeply about, so this emotion holds a significant weight for me. Specifically this emotion is around the amount of time he spends engaging with screens. This issue has become a recurring point of conflict between us. I have real concerns around the addictive nature of his habitual screen use, its effects on his social behaviours as well as its long term effects on his mental and physical health. I have done and continue to do personal research into screen dependence particularly in young people and the developing brain. I have initiated many conversations around the subject with my son, my family, other parents and professionals. It has become a difficult ongoing issue for me.

I have come to realise that my feelings around this subject are directly linked to my values and that they differ greatly to that of my sons, on this issue our values are conflicting.

This emotion has existed in various forms over a number of years. The regularity of these interactions has created a predictability around how we respond to one another. There are variations of this pattern, its outcome dependent on things like place, mood, and other influences in or leading up to the moment. The repetition of the pattern certainly adds to the frustration, by generating a repeated feeling of being unheard or that I have been unable to “get it right” in making effective change. 

The Inquiry 

Using the MIECAT form of inquiry I am unpacking this emotion with the support of a companion and a witness. Two women of a similar age to me, perhaps a little older, support my sense of feeling held and understood as a woman and a mother. Although this is our first time meeting, a sense of trust is established and I feel that this is a safe place for me to open up and allow my inquiry to emerge and land. This, like most inquiries, deals with personal content and feeling safe is integral to how and what I might share. As I enter into the memory of the emotion I recognise there is more than one feeling, that it is layers of emotion built up over multiple events over the years and existing in different ways throughout my body. The weight of these thoughts grow like a bulging balloon inside my stomach pressing up into my rib cage, I become breathy as I speak, I am physically revisiting that place via emotional memory. I place an open hand onto my chest in an attempt to contain it, the feeling is busy, it is moving, buzzing and it is changing; from annoyance to frustration, to worry, anger then fear and sadness. This ballooning sensation pushes up toward my throat, I exhale deeply, hoping to relieve some of the pressure,  I notice my heart beating in my throat and I speak “I feel it here” my hand moves up my neck and back down to my chest, I am breathing heavily. My companion mirrors my movement, seeing this visual representation of my actions allows me to feel that I am being seen and heard, she is listening with her body. We share a minute of silence, this space allows me to sink further into the moment, to notice what is here. I take a deep breath and observe the power of the sensations in my body, the buzzing has moved up into my cheeks. I notice my companion and how her fingertips are resting softly on the cloth of her shirt, this doesn’t look like what I am feeling, it appears too gentle. I understand my companion to be mirroring what she is seeing but it appears incongruent with my feeling. I tell her that there is a misalignment between what I see her offering back to me and what I am trying to describe, this motivates me to be more descriptive, to inquire deeper into what I am experiencing. I close my eyes and clench my hand into a fist, I use the words “tighter and heavier” as my hand moves slowly in an upward clenching and scrunching motion grasping at my shirt and my skin. I  become aware of the discomfort I am inflicting onto myself, the sensations are descriptive of the memories I hold. I realise how damaging the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing are. At this moment it all feels real, stress is present even though I am not engaged in any real life conflict scenario I am taking my body to that stressful place. I think of Fredman (2004) reminding me of the simple truth “That our mind is in our bodies” (pg.67) an obvious yet sweet reminder of how we are an accumulation of all of our experiences, including conversations. Returning to the memory of these emotional moments has ignited a physical response in my body, I am not retrieving them from somewhere far away, they exist right here as though stored dormant under this skin and they might stay that way until something shifts or activates them. I write in my journal “meaning works to dissolve the blocks”. This body holds and remembers moments as a cellular system processing experiences, from pleasure to trauma it all took place right here in me. This  shapes me and influences every experience I have from here on in. This kind of understanding is empowering, making me responsible for my interactions, I consider how my body interacts in a new way, reflexively attending to experience as though it is data that I can download and save or have to do the work to later try and delete. 

At this stage of the inquiry I am inquiring both physically and by using language; words like tingling, fizzy, crawling and electric begin to surface. I tell my companion that the feeling has a round shape, that it is expanding and pushing outward in multiple directions and that it seems to be getting bigger and more urgent over time.

A Thematic Statement

I spoke to my son about the inquiry that I had been working on and asked if I could share the thematic statement I wrote to support the process. He was open to hear this;

When I notice my son is engaged in prolonged periods of screen use, I feel worried, my chest feels tight, I become anxious, and annoyed. I struggle to offer the right words to address the situation and usually end up saying something sarcastic or loaded. As a result I feel guilty, sad and ashamed that I am not doing a better job at communicating. 

After writing the thematic statement a visual narrative emerged in my mind where the communication between us was symbolised by a long, seemingly endless thread of some kind. I went on to share the vision for a short video to express and capture these feelings. The thread was the key component, being the felt sense, the words spoken and unspoken and the offerings I make, it symbolises our connection. I see the thread as though it is alive, a writhing knot tangled in my chest, moving up my neck into my cheeks and filing my mouth. The thread sits there in my mouth, bulging, I can barely contain its eagerness to leak out, I hold it in as best I can until I no longer can and it is released. Trying to be thoughtful with my offerings, they are not received, my son, the person I am trying to connect with, does not want what I have to offer and I am rejected, again and again. I give it regardless of his disinterest and he allows me to put it in his ear, onto his head, into his mind, he is passive and seems numb to the process.  

My son and I laughed about it for a moment and came to appreciate that this was clearly something real for me that I wanted us to work through, together. I particularly noticed his response to the last section of the statement that states that I feel guilty, ashamed and sad that I am not doing better, the look on his face suggested he hadn’t considered that there would be these kinds of negative emotions happening for me after our interactions. I think it would be fair to say that we both come away feeling disconnected and hurt by these difficult conversations.

I asked his permission to work with the content in this way and if he would be interested in being part of the video documenting the retelling of our narrative. He agreed. 

By naming it as a creative exercise of expression or the retelling of a story I gauged his interest. I think that by sharing the statement I had written with him allowed him to hear the scenario from a new point of view, one that he was not emotionally engaged in. The content was not delivered in the immediacy of an emotionally charged moment, I was relaxed and the quality of my energy was light, I felt him listening to me in a different way. (Lett, 2011 ) points out how “tone carries meaning not said” (pg. 156)  Even though we were talking about a familiar problematic subject, in that moment we were both detached from it, seeing it as an idea outside of us, this sense of separation took the pressure off. Our communication in this moment was open, we were talking about making something together, this gave us an element of control over an otherwise difficult situation. He sensed that I was suggesting a way we might move toward clarity rather than demanding change. I was pointing my finger at the idea of creation rather than at him. Our creative receptors were activated instead of stress receptors, I felt connected to him and felt that by having this conversation he had gained an insight into the situation and how I was being affected by our interactions.

Together we made a short video as an intersubjective response;

Throughout this process I have had moments of relating some of my own patterns of emotional experiencing to that of my mothers. Developing a new empathy toward her desperation to be heard and understood by her children, at this stage wonder if offering to companion her to inquire into her own memories of parenting would be helpful for us both. 

I came to feel the flexibility of my window of tolerance along the way, knowing it was always fluid and responsive to circumstance. This inquiry has asked questions of me, requesting that I pay attention to what it is that creates change. I am reminded that it is my responsibility to not only identify and name the perimeters of my tolerance but to walk them confidently. Making a clear and direct association between my boundaries and values, checking in with myself as to why they are important, while remaining open to the possibility of their movement. Ungar (2005) states that “without significant amounts of risk there is no resilience” (p.91).

Not fighting for a value doesn’t necessarily mean that it doesn’t exist but that there could be another value that is conflicting with it, making a choice between them can be confusing and difficult. “Emotions are neither rational nor irrational, they are adaptive. They are internal signals directing us to sustain life.” (L.S. Greenburg, 1997,pg. 14)

Emergence within this inquiry brought me to create something (a video) as ISR with my son, separating us from the issue by engaging us to focus creatively together. I see emergence within the inquiry as the oil that rises to the surface, holding the essence of what is being felt. It is fragile and unusual to behold because it isn’t common, it is rare and precious and I know it when I see it because it engages on multiple levels, resonating in a way that is clean and true, for me.

Considering what I am coming to know I have a sense of responsibility to myself and to my son, moving into new ways of being with my son considering carefully what has emerged from this inquiry and using these findings to support change. Understanding our emotions come from a place of values being either met or unmet in a way that is unique to our individual experience. Journaling throughout this inquiry has served as an extremely useful tool, writing down words attached to the emotion is recognising and clarifying by naming, also starting the conversation that this is worth paying attention to. Considering what value could be attached to the emotion or action I can use short thematic statements as a tool, similarly simple mapping or clustering sessions, they work as a quick download of something held yet unknown.

My relationship with my son is important, my desire to be a safe place for him and finding effective ways of working is important. I don’t want his body to become a receptacle for my under processed fears and anxieties, this is my responsibility.